The Nine of Mine

He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there, and it will move. Nothing is impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20 (NIV)

Christianity plays a vital role in my life, and I feel I should start the real journey of this blog with Him. I’ll have many stories to share about my beliefs and the experiences I have had along this journey to where I am today with my faith. When I mention Jesus or my faith, I am sometimes met with people assuming I am judgmental and preaching at them. In fact, a particularly defensive man once told me that just because I read the Bible doesn’t mean that I am better than anyone. That man will be brought up again, in other posts. Please don’t take his word for it. I will tell you immediately – and often – that I am a mess. I am far from perfect, and no one (besides God) knows that better than me. I’ve dropped that mustard seed of faith a few times. Sometimes in tall grasses…and quicksand…at night. Sometimes I find it myself; sometimes Jesus hits me directly in the forehead with it.

“What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one who wandered off? And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. In this same way, your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should perish.” Matthew 18:12 (NIV)

After losing my first child, I became pregnant with my daughter about four months later. I knew I was pregnant before a pregnancy test could reliably tell me because I had a sudden aversion to chicken, just as I had with her older brother. The loss of my son had started my stumbling down the path toward a stronger faith. I am an introvert and am uncomfortable asking for help, and I was not doing the best job of figuring things out on my own. Lucky for me, we have a Father who meets me where I am. I prayed every night in the shower, while I finally let my grief pour out of me, that my baby would be healthy. Once I knew she was a girl, I prayed for her by name, asking for His protection over her. I prayed He would guide me to ensure her safety.

The Thursday before Memorial Day weekend in 2005, when I was about 7 months pregnant, I was driving home from work. It was five o’clock in the evening, so many drivers were headed home as well. The road I was on was a 4 lane road – two lanes travelling in each direction. I was in the far right lane driving north behind a line of four other vehicles. We were driving a little on the slow side, so I moved over into the left lane to pass since I still had several miles until my turn. When I was positioned next to the second car in line, this overwhelming feeling/thought/voice came over me. I don’t know which term to use because I’m still uncertain what it was. I did not “hear” a voice, really, but suddenly the words “Slow down and move over” were in my head. Loud, really loud. I was consumed by whatever it was to the point I held my breath. A little part of me thought it was crazy, but I obeyed. I slowed down and moved back into the same position I had vacated. The loud and authoritative message changed to “Slower!” I obeyed again.

I was driving under the speed limit, which is unlike me, and I put a lot of distance between me and that last vehicle in the line in a very short amount of time. Suddenly, this light silvery blue compact car veered from the left lane of oncoming traffic, across our left lane, and hit the second vehicle in our line. It was the very one I had been driving next to when I received my directive. The impact caused the SUV that was struck to roll over a couple of times and come to rest on it’s passenger side. The first vehicle had swerved off onto the shoulder but remained upright. The 3rd and 4th vehicles had to brake hard to avoid being hit or hitting others. Then, there I was – I eased on my brakes and safely pulled onto the shoulder. I had put so much space between the others and me that I was able to see it all unfold but come to a stop slowly and safely.

I immediately dialed 911 on my cell phone, and the dispatcher told me they already had notification. Several other cars came to a stop with us to provide aid. Within what was only 2-3 minutes, there were people dressed in scrubs everywhere. This was before police, ambulance, or any other emergency personnel arrived. Everyone was being attended to when the police and ambulance arrived, and one officer took me back to my car. He took my statement and asked me to wait in my car. Just as I sat down, someone started speaking over the radio. I didn’t hear all of it but did hear a request for for help and the words “panic attack.” The officer looked at me again and said he needed to help the other officer. It was then that I told him the name of where I worked and specified I worked for the mental health side. I offered to help if they wanted me to, and he quickly agreed. I still had the lanyard with my employee badge around my neck.

I followed the officer to where another one was standing with a woman. She had tears streaming down her face, one hand clutching at her chest, and was desperately trying to inhale. The officer who had been with her was trying to console her. He turned to look at us as we approached them and looked questioningly at the officer with me. It was explained who I was and my employer, and the officer helping the woman said, “Oh thank you, God.” He looked upward with a smile and then looked at me again when he thanked me.

I took the lead with the woman who I will call Jane, and I told the officers they could leave us if they needed to help with other things. I introduced myself to Jane and began walking her through mindfulness techniques, primarily her breathing at first. We took that progress and walked through some deep breathing exercises together. Once her breathing was slower, Jane explained to me that she was in the first car, she had seen the car headed for her, and the image continued to play in her mind. I talked to her about a couple of coping methods she can use and reminded her of how to correctly do the deep breathing. I stayed with her for about an hour while the others helped everyone else in the accident. A family member picked up Jane, and I was allowed to leave as well.

The person who hit the other car was deceased as soon as the first person, a doctor, stopped to assist. There were two people in the SUV that was hit. The driver appeared to have leg injuries in both legs, and this led to being sent via helicopter to a larger facility better equipped to handle complex injuries. The other person in the vehicle did not appear to have any major injuries but was being transported via ambulance for further examination.

I do not tell this story to share how He spared me. I know He does not value my life over others. Also, I do not pretend to have an explanation as to why sometimes He stops things from happening and sometimes does not. There are many questions I cannot answer. All I know is I pleaded for His protection over my daughter and me, and He provided it. I know He created purpose for me in the situation, too. There was a specific reason for me to be there immediately after the accident. I also know that if He had not directed me to move, there would have been more people most likely fatally injured and many more people involved in the collision.

Now, I would love to say that was enough to set me straight and solidify my relationship with my Father. However, I told you I am a mess. I look back and realize just how foolish I was. I imagine in 15 years, I will look back to realize just how foolish I am today. Thankfully, the God of my heart has always, and will always, come for me when I wander off the path.